18

1. My brother and I held a funeral service for a yard squirrel that was fried on our electrical wires, entrails and all. For the eulogy, Clint played the theme song from Forrest Gump on his mini battery-operated keyboard. We were 14 and 10, respectively.

2. I could eat bushels of Basil and tomato sauce by the buckets.

3. Veins are disgusting. If you have them, please do keep them to yourself.

4. I cannot help but personify my automobiles. When I am working them hard on the interstate, I feel like maybe I should stop and offer them a Gatorade and a pep-talk.

5. I love to bake and cook however, if it doesn’t turn out as aesthetically pleasing as the picture suggests it should, I get mad and feed it to my dad.

6. I hope to one day see all people the way Jesus sees them. No small feat.

7. Growing out of the middle of my forehead is an unwelcome maverick hair. It grows really fast and requires constant upkeep. Sometimes, on special occasions, I curl it.

8. Hank Paulson, former secretary treasury, has a wicked smooth voice. Google him and swoon.

9. My high school friend and I used to eat whole containers of fat-free Pringles made with the fat substitute Olestra. Only after our hair started to fall out and our bellies made strange guttural noises did we heed the surgeon generals warning.

10. Regarding number 9, I am in desperate need of a new colon (No thanks, Nate Freeman).

11. Baby wrists (fat bands) are just the best.

12. I often wonder how does Mary Matalin stand it?

13. Abraham Lincoln would be one cool dinner date.

14. I will probably never answer my cell phone in your presence. You and what you have to say are important to me.

15. My short term memory is the pits.

16. I got a quart of paint lodged in the spokes of my Schwinn bike riding home from a Kmart parking lot, circa 1990. I was tossed off my bike like a chump and landed in a puddle of semi-gloss and low self-worth. With blood and paint spewing alike, I carried my bike boldly over my head all the way home. Mom hosed me down outside like the family dog and sent me back for more paint, this time on foot.

17. The whole "on foot" has never really worked for me either. Running on a sidewalk during college, I tripped over a hotly contested (but in my mind) huge boulder that was in my pathway. The fall in and of itself was not spectacular, however, I used the side of my head to break my descent. Imagine for a moment that you're me and you are waiting on a table of doctors that same night when one of them looks at you and says, "Amanda, your pupils are as big as dinner plates! Did you have a fall recently?" Well Doctor, yes I have! Was it the scab that just opened up and is now draining down my face that gave it away or was it my eyes that speak of my impending death? One trip to the ER and a single CT Scan later, I'm happy to report that I am still doing retarded things everyday.

Here is my bloody show and saucer plate pupils, compliments of Microsoft Paint.

18. I have reached a very startling conclusion based on numbers 15-18.