Friday, May 14, 2010



I will be leaving today in a grey suburban set for sunshine and cabana boys.  And not in that order I might add.  (just kidding, Rob. I like them All-American).  Oh, and also a special weddin' in the Windy City and the graj-e-ation of a special cadet in the Mile High City.  All the above.  I'm excited.  See you in two weeks.  With a tan. 


Yours Forever,

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Day Three. Eating everything I can sink my teeth into.

In an email written to my sister this morning:
"I've fallen off the wagon.  I figured, I gave my guts a full 48 hours of nothingness, TLC, and aloe vera gel and they have repaid me by taking from my buttocks and rendering me as curvy as a pre-pubescent boy.  So, this morning, I played heavy metal music aimed towards my colon, while eating fried chicken, snickers, with a side of screws and glass shards.   I'm tired of being bossed around by a lazy intestinal cord."

Monday, May 10, 2010

Day One

I'm hungry.  And my guts are rattling.  Is this normal?  

This morning I juiced...


And for the grand finale...


 Just kidding.  But thanks for scrolling down to find out.  I appreciate that you are on board with me. *cough* [You're all sick]

Friday, May 7, 2010

Spring Cleaning of a Different Color

Folks, there comes a time in one's life were inventory must be done.  A gut check if you will.  I am planning on doing a colon cleanse this Monday through Wednesday and I will need you to keep me accountable.  Do this by asking me questions like, "Amanda, is that your second or third KitKat this afternoon?" or "Is that you smoking again in the bathroom?"

My Colon Elimination Detox Plan
[that I got from a book]

The night before your colon cleanse...

-Take your choice of gentle herbal laxatives.

-Soak dried figs, prunes and raisins in water to cover; add 1 TB molasses, cover, leave overnight. (I, myself, don't know if I could do the molasses... Can't I just mix Aunt Jemima's syrup with bottled water?)

The next day...
On rising: take a cleansing booster product or 1 heaping teaspoon of fiber drink in juice or water. Take 1000 mg vitamin C with bioflavanoids to raise body glutathione levels.

Breakfast: discard dried fruits from soaking water and take a small glass of the liquid.

Mid-mornings: take 2 TBS aloe juice concentrate in a glass of juice or water and 1000 mg vitamin C.

Lunch: take a small glass of fresh carrot juice

Mid-afternoon: take a large glass of fresh apple juice; or an herbal colon cleansing tea.

About 5 o'clock: take a small glass of fresh carrot juice or vegetable drink

Supper: take a glass of apple or papaya juice and 1000 mg of vit C

Before bed: repeat the herbal cleansers that you took on rising, and take a cup of mint tea.

Colon cleanse bodywork suggestions:

Irrigate: a colonic irrigation is a good way to start a colon/bowel cleanse. Grape-seed extract is effective (15-20 drops in a gallon of water) and is especially good if there is colon toxicity along with the constipation.

Exercise: take a brisk walk for an hour every day to help keep your elimination channels moving.

Bathe: take several long warm baths during your cleanse. A lower back and pelvis massage and dry skin brushing will help release toxins coming out through your skin.

If you like, do it with me. Come on! It'll be a gas!

And because I like you and want you to come back, I did not post this here tomfoolery but as a warning, it's nast.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Bentley is packing his bags...

My poor little chilupa.   I think he may be heading for the bright blue yonder after 20 years of sub-par living.  A few weeks ago, he was acting strange, off balance, pooping on the floor right in front me and then trying to cover up his stinky sins by pawing furiously at the carpet which he confused for kitty litter.  Then he bounced back and was full of vigor.  Just yesterday, he began to stumble from room to room like a drunkard, although does not seem to be in any pain.  He purrs if you just look at him. 

It is always hard to know what to do, put him down preemptively or just let him pass away from a long life, as long as he's not suffering.  

He's had a good run, that silly cat.  I will miss him so.

Here he is with a moustache. He was trying to get seconds on the wet cat food, pretending to be another house cat. I think he told me his name was Ventley Srdlik. Clever fellow.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

T.M.I Train *choo-choo!*

What happens when you're economically challenged enough to qualify for annual Pap's at your local Department of Health and Human Services?   You walk away with a bag full of condoms and a box of Plan B, that's what.   

Before ya'll get all slack-jawed, realize that to maintain their state funding,  DHHR is required to lecture their clients about "family planning" and non-negotiably send home anti-baby parting gifts containing every contraceptive known to (wo)man.  However, walking out with my brown bag o' shame, the following scenarios raced through my head as I thought about getting caught with said contraceptives:

1.)  A routine traffic stop and my bag falling to the floor, content spilling out as I searched for my license and registration.  "Ahhh, officer, those are from a doctors appointment.   Yes, even the banana flavored ones."

2. ) An accident where the contents of my bag o' shame are shot out the windows and the first responders are deacons from my church... 

"Ah,  Mike.   We found these here rubbers near the scene of the accident.   Looks like she might in trouble with the law by not yielding at that stop sign.   On top of that she's a tramp too, godblessher."

3. )  Or my dad getting my "family planning" goody bag confused with his brown bag lunch.    He reaches in for a sandwich and comes out with a neon Love Glove.   Bad day for bare bonsey.   Bad day indeed.