Friday, July 1, 2011


Sowy.  It's been about a month since I last wrote which means that you have already cut me out of your will.  And that's appropriate because sometimes, I just cannot keep up with your demands.  All one of you.

You should know a few things about my day today:

1) I love the sweater I'm wearing.  It is a pleasant color blue, it's from Target, it's soft and smells great because I hosed myself down with perfume this morning.  However, if I sweat or even think of glistening, it shrivels and darkens to a degree that's embarrassing and makes me want to hide in my office bathroom.  But, I love my sweater.  So today I will keep my arms plastered to my side and wave only from the elbow.  And if I happened to be roped into performing the YMCA song today, I will demand that I be the "A"(the gay fireman?) because I can still maintain my stationary elbow pose.

2) You should know that my drive into work most every morning is very lovely and peaceful.  That is until about 15 minutes in when black lab with no manners and a limp lies in wait for me and Cheryl to come around the bend.  Then out from a ditch, he bolts out in front of my car.  The first 50 times this happened, I would jam on my breaks because unlike hippies, I will break for dogs.

His careless owners who have bequeathed him a red collar must know about this.  It happens almost every morning right in front of their front porch.  Sometimes when it's an especially close call and I have run out of Xanax, I have impassioned dialog in my car going over just what I would say to his owners if I were ever to knock on their door in a fit of anger.  I can be a completely unreasonable and a total jerk in my head.

However, past experience has told me that whatever profane dialog I had practiced prior to would come out something along the lines of,  "Hello there!  Would you kindly keep your doggie inside between the hours of 8:30-9:00 Monday through Friday.  Okay?  Love your flower garden!  Would you like a sandwich?"

I'm turning into one of the sheep.  Always consternated and skittish.

Happy July 4rth weekend, Friends!