Initially, I thought I would keep it neutral to pacify the masses but most of you know me anyway and know that I have plenty o' anarchy up my crawl. Plus, there are no masses reading this, so I will really be offending no one. I don't even have liberal friends.
Be that as it may, I do enjoy a good debate whilst trying to keep heated political dialog to a minimum, understanding that these ideological differences tend to divide and rarely conquer minds or hearts. Finding that zen place between being a silent objector and fact slapping someone in the face is difficult to balance but it's something I hope to fine tune over time. Balance that is, not the fact slapping in the face part. Well, maybe just a little of the slapping.
When I air my grievances, groan and capitulate, question and jest to your disenchantment, know that there within lies my bona fide self, and in that sacred place, we can hold hands and just agree to disagree, okay? Great.
With that said, here is a letter I constructed after receiving an unsolicited email from a well intentioned, probably sweet girl named 'lil miss hottie'. She babysits on the weekends for cash and wears sweatpants with the word "Juicy" on her backside. I'll bet you my first born.
From: lil miss hottie
Date: Dec 2, 2008 11:59 AM
are you tired of global warming? acid rian? polution? people dying everyday?
well with your help we can stop it!
earth day is April 22nd and if you will wear green and a green wriste band and spread this meassage to all of your friends that would be so great!
thx for you suport!
Yours Truly responds:
Dear lil miss hottie,
I congratulate you on your eco-efforts, however, let’s walk through a few things before I have to add another wrist band to my rainbow of causes. The pulse on my right arm is now in the single digits. I care too much.
Hottie, judging from your half-naked default picture, your best bet is an audience of older men who have a heart for poorly conceived environmental causes and young nubile bodies. I have no such affinities. However, I am curious as to why you think these are the issues that I need to tell all my friends, okay, friend about.
Tell me, how many times did you step out of your home this winter and say "Why the fish sticks is it 4 degrees again today?" 100 times? 50 times? More than you ever have in your 14 years of living? This winter's temperatures were some of the coldest the earth has had in decades. Those inconvenient truths. Do you remember your teachers in school telling you about the polar bears drowning in the arctic because of the rapidly melting ice caps? Well, it's rumored that a family of traveling arctic polar bears came into your backyard and snacked on your family cat. Why? Because conditions all over the globe are getting colder, not warmer. To them, Cleveland seemed downright tropical and Murphy was very old and slow moving.
Acid rain. Ahhh yes. I love the alarmist language here. I don’t doubt the reality of this, however, how do we realistically fix this in a way that would satisfy the most ardent of our environmentalist friends? Let us remember that acidity in the atmosphere is also caused by occurrences out of our control such as volcanic emissions, wild fires and cows with IBS. We can see that acid rain has been happening for thousands of years because of acidic detections in glacial ice. Thankfully, hundreds of generations before us have built up immunity to the adverse affects of the dreaded summer-time sprinkle.
Finally, what to do about the problem of "people dying everyday." This is a tough one. I digress. I suppose it is possible to stave off or postpone death with clanging symbols and fog horns but this can only be temporary. It can also be a hindrance for those who are ready to get a move on already.
Certainly your intentions were good, lil miss hottie, but for now there are things that have more merit in your world, like dreamy Brian Peters in 2nd period History class and edible lip-gloss.