Monday, November 22, 2010

iPhone Treasures...

An Observer's Guide to Random Photos on Barebonsey's iPhone.  

A dome in St. Peter's Cathedral.  Have you ever tried to paint a ceiling in your home and snapped your head clear off your neck in the process? Imagine trying to paint fingers on a hand... on a ceiling a few hundred feet from the ground. Actually, from that distance, any artwork could rival Michelangelo's.  Is that a cherub with wings or a pineapple talking on a cell phone? Who really knows?

This picture screams for explanation.  While out shopping with my sister and friend (Krintee Macaroni), I saw this polyester/silk blend shirt labeled XXXL with my name written all over it.  I told Krintee that I had found the perfect blouse to wear in my dad's wedding and had her fooled well up until the floodgates of laughter sprung a leak.  Then, in true form, Laura proceeded to turn the hem into a doo rag for no reason under the sun other than she is one of the coolest people I know. 

Actually, this picture about sums my whole childhood with Laura.  Confusing, and wee bit strange.
Dean Clampett on moving day. 
Meet Newt.  He is the newest addition to our equine program.  He is 24 inches tall and is a complete ladies man.   
Remember summertime in your backyard?  A little bit of green grass and a little bit of C.S Lewis? 
Carly and Aunt Poo having a tickle-war. 

Pictured here are quite possibly the coolest glass bottles of water you will ever see. Unfortunately, a rapid change of temperature in my car caused them all to explode and rot my floor of my trunk.  Most excellent.
Don't you hate it when you are doing your boy-toys laundry and a packet of white powder slips out of his hoodie?  Don't you also loathe sitting for hours agonizing about how you were going to bring up his apparent and hidden cocaine addiction with him at lunch?  Even worse, don't you hate it when he looks confused, rubs his temples in contemplation, squints and then smiles, pats you on the head and excuses himself to go to the convenience store to buy another packet of Goody's Extra Strength Headache Powder?   *sigh* Me too.  
This is a picture I drew for mom when she was in the hospital.  In case you are wondering, it's Bentley Eugene of Troy.  And not far off from real life I might add. 
Here is the sole survivor of my gardening efforts this spring.   I should have this pepper tested to find out how plants can grow in completely hostile, unkempt, and neglectful conditions. 

Thursday, November 11, 2010

A Death Revisited

A death.

I killed someone last night, friends. I am very sad about this and actually lost sleep over it. I have managed to drive for 9 years without ever killing anything that I know of with the hardness of my fast moving vehicle. I was driving home early this morning and I saw a possum crossing on my right, still on the road, but out of death's way. When I pulled my eyes back to the road in front of me, there she was, a little possum wife following behind her husband and I ran her the hell over. Both the front and back tires got a taste of death and they too were sad.

I imagined the possum husband coming over and nudging his wife, now souless and gutless on the street, realizing that he had lost the smelliest, best girl he could've ever asked for. "She had the red, beady eyes of an angel" I could hear him say. He jots down the license number from my car on his note pad so he can do a scan of my plates later. I know there will be hell to pay.

Last night I prayed that it was as fast and painless as could be if ever there was a car to run over you. I had a lot to eat last night, so the car was really heavy and I was speeding. I did not even have the guts to go back and see if I had done the job right.

I am sorry possum animal that I killed your lady. She will forever be in my heart and partially in my grill. And on my fender.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

My Office Matey

Yes, yes I did tie a carnation around his collar.  I think Clyde liked it.  My boss, his owner, did not.  Kill joy.


A swatch of a phone conversation from last night:

SOLWGTHAL*:  "I have a joke for you that involves cat-scans."

Me: "Oh?  Do tell!"

SOLWGTHAL:  "You know what I say, if I've lost my sense of humor, I've lost everything."

Me: "Absolutely."

SOLWGTHAL: "An old man brings his very sick dog to the vet one day.  The vet takes the dog back into the operating room and leaves the old man out front in the waiting area.  Three hours later, the doctor returns and reports that the dog has died.  "How can this be doctor?" asked the old man. "Well," the doctor explained, "I gave him a shock to the heart and he came around.  Then, I sent him to get a cat scan, and well, he died."

Me: "... {brain is on fire, scanning through a life time of punch lines requiring abstract thought and logic sequencing (smells of burning rubber, honestly). brain stem is rattling from the neurological strain.  scenes from jr. high running through my head.  small babies. thimbles.  cankles and the roaring 20's.  nothing. comes. to. mind}

SOLWGTHAL: *cackling, hacking and arthritic knee slapping ensues*

[Insert 5 seconds of no dialog here]

Me: "Forgive me, but I don't get it? Can you help me out?"

SOLWGTHAL: *rolls eyes* "It means that the cat circled the dog and it died. The cat scan killed the dog. Is your brain on Holiday, Amanda?"


Oh, the irony of being neurally slapped around by someone who counted a total of 9 lions and 3 peacocks out her bedroom window last spring.  It's her world; we're just drooling in it.

*SOLWGTHAL-  Sweet Older Lady Who Goes To the Hospital A Lot.