Hard

Motherhood is so many wonderful, soul-fulfilling things but sometimes it’s just hard.

I read over my two prior posts that showcased the wonder of it all, which all still exist. He is still doughy and spicy.

I adore him.

Still, I ask myself at least a few times a day, “Just why is this so hard”?

I’ve told my husband a few times, I think some women are born better mothers. It is baked into who they are as humans: patient, empathetic, selfless, and engaged. We’re honest if we admit not everyone has those qualities in equal measure. It is when you are squeezed of these so often day in and day out that you are confronted either by a wellspring or rung ragged and dry. Of course there are many more qualities that a good mother makes but those stand out as clear winners.

So there’s the personal component of it. But, I think there’s much more.

Loneliness. I rarely, if ever, have felt lonely. A qualified introvert, I find time to myself to be pleasurable and necessary. But the day in and day out of living life at home with a small soul with no vocabulary or hobbies makes conversing a one-sided affair and depleting. Conversely, having a pleasant conversation with a neighbor takes serious thought, much like I’m on a first date: look interested but not desperate.

I can remember watching my husband leave for work just two weeks after birthing a human into existence. I felt desperate, tired, alone. For the modern day mom, the message is clear from the start, “You’re on your own, Lady”.

Intellectually, it is much harder to keep up with the woman you once were when you were meeting deadlines, asking big questions and being asked big questions. A clear part of my mind has atrophied to be replaced by other homespun skills, whether they are touted as skills or not. This leads me into more subjective waters, waters in which I’m still trying to wade through and make sense of. That is a post for another day or another year as often as I update this blog.

What the culture, the church, and the Bible have to say about motherhood have been most recently at odds and sometimes it feels as if we (I) am the collateral damage, trying to find my way through what is real and true. Because truth is all I’m ever called to live for, in any and every season of life.